Fatherly Advice

(Sorry for the late post, America. I've been sick with a terrible case of patriotism)

Sometimes I look at my wife, and I can't help but notice that slightly wistful frown she gives back to me. "What are you thinking about, honey?" I'll ask, but I already know the answer. "Oh, nothing."

Even the kids would ask sometimes why we never go anywhere as a family, and I just smiled at them sadly and said that Mommy and Daddy work on such tight schedules that it just never seems to work out. I always wanted things to be different, to be perfect. "They" say that you can't have violins the whole time, and, as the pain has cultivated itself I've learned over the years that "they" were right. We started on the wrong foot, sure, but I had no reason to think we'd stay there forever.

When the kids moved out, we lost most of our reasons to pretend. I confined myself to my side of the house. It had everything I need, the beer, the television and my hiking enthusiast magazines. I don't hike, but they help to remind me that there's more out there than just my enclosure. It's not like I planned things this way--when we were married, I knew I wanted to spend every minute of my life with this woman. It was true then, and it's true now, but it seems that such happiness is not meant to be mine.

When the call came, I was ecstatic to talk to my son. He had found The Girl, and he wanted to tell me everything about her. I listened with melancholy optimism as I heard so many of my own sentiments from years past find an incarnation in my son's young, naive "love" for this girl.

Perhaps I should have let the moment pass. Perhaps I should have just listened, silently hoping and praying that his luck would be better, but some protective spirit in me couldn't stand by and watch my son descend into that same quiet hell. I had come face to face with my old demon, the one that had ruined me, and it would not take my child.

"Son," I said with trepidation, trying to fight the quavering in my voice, "When you ask her to marry you, don't add the caveat `or I'll take a blowtorch to this bag of kittens.' Promise me."

"Uh, okay, Dad."

A single, bitter tear rolled down my wrinkled cheek as I hung up the phone.

Five Aliens

Five aliens walk into a bar.

The first alien says, "Hi, there!"

The second alien says, "Gimme a drink!"

The third alien says, "Jonny's making up this joke as he goes."

The fourth alien says, "We must be building up to something great."

The fifth alien says, "I doubt it. There probably won't even be a punchline."

Charities

I don't really support charities, because I think voluntarily giving money to organizations for the benefit of people you don't know and will likely never meet is no way to achieve results. I mean, if these charitable foundations are really making such a difference, where do they keep finding kids to put on their TV spots? Exactly. They don't do anything.

That's why I support the philosophy of imposing charitable donations on Americans through their taxes. Why send you money off to a faceless organization working to "feed children in Africa" when you can see the results of your tax dollars? Empty buses, crime-ridden and broken-down government housing, and, of course, government offices with friendly staff, accommodating hours, and rapid service!

Yes, America, competition doesn't work, and altruism doesn't exist. That's why we should proudly raise our taxes and be forced to do our part. I'm going to go stand in line for a driver's license, so I won't be answering any emails until at least Friday.

BBCS 4 EVR

It's my choice; it doesn't affect anyone else. I don't see why all the haters are coming after me for it. I mean, this is America, right? It's a free country, more or less, and I should be allowed to follow my heart.

But no, it's not "traditional", so all these psychotic conservatives just have to get up in my face about it.

I am talking, of course, about painting my entire body blue with watercolor paints and then slapping myself against cars as they look for parking spots in the movie theater's lot.

It's watercolor, people! It comes right off! I view this as an extension of my freedom of speech. It's not like my blue-body car-slapping (BBCS) interferes with your ability to enjoy the movie! I'll even mop off your cars while you're watching Hugh Jackman kill everyone and everything, if that makes you feel better.

Besides, I read somewhere that 68% of American movies are terrible, so really you should be thanking me for adding a new depth to the movie-going experience!

I am what I am. So quit hating and just leave me alone.

I won the Russian lottery! Or possibly Nigerian

Good news, America! I just got an email informing me of an impending pay raise from my $0 yearly as a blogger! It came with an authentic typewritten signature from Robert Mueller, director of the FBI, so I know it's legitimate. This will give me the opportunity I crave to use my newfound money to build up the world's infrastructure.

The text of the email follows, and then I have included the email which I have actually sent in response to the address indicated.

ATTN: BENEFICIARY

This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and
we have thoroughly completed an Investigation with the help of our
Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you legally won the
sum of $800,000.00 USD from a Lottery Company outside the United
States of America. During our investigation we discovered that your
 e-mail won the money from an Online Balloting System and we have
authorized this winning to be paid to you via a Certified Cashier's
Check.

Normally, it will take up to 10 business days for an International
Check to be cashed by your local bank. We have successfully
notified this company on your behalf that funds are to be drawn
from a registered bank within the United States Of America so as to
enable you cash the check instantly without any delay, henceforth
the stated amount of $800,000.00 USD has been deposited with Bank
Of America.

We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to
receive the winning prize as we have verified the entire transaction
to be Safe and 100% risk free, due to the fact that the funds have
been deposited at Bank Of America you will be required to settle the
following bills directly to the Lottery Agent in-charge of this
transaction whom is located in Lagos, Nigeria. According to our
discoveries, you were required to pay for the following -

(1) Deposit Fee's ( Fee's paid by the company for the deposit into an
American Bank which is - Bank Of America )
(2) Cashier's Check Conversion Fee ( Fee for converting the Wire
Transfer payment into a Certified Cashier's Check )

The total amount for everything is $200.00 (Two Hundred-US Dollars).
We have tried our possible best to indicate that this $200.00 should
be deducted from your winning prize but we found out that the funds
have already been deposited at Bank Of America and cannot be accessed
by anyone apart from you the winner, therefore you will be required
to pay the required fee's to the Agent in-charge of this transaction
via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram.

In order to proceed with this transaction, you will be required to
contact the agent in-charge (paul smith ) via e-mail. Kindly look
below to find appropriate contact information:

CONTACT AGENT NAME: MR. BENSON EDWARD

E-MAIL ADDRESS:   bensonedwarddept@gala.net 
Telephone Number : +234-7085521647

You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:

FULL NAME:

ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
ZIP CODE:
DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:

You will also be required to request Western Union details on how
to send the required $200.00 in order to immediately ship your
prize of $800,000.00 USD via Certified Cashier's Check drawn from
Bank Of America, also include the following transaction code in
order for him to immediately identify this transaction : EA2948-910.


This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of
Investigation is authorizing you to pay the required $200.00 ONLY
to Mr. Benson Edward via information in which he shall send to you,
if you do not receive your winning prize of $800,000.00 we shall be
held responsible for the loss and this shall invite a penalty of
$3,000 which will be made PAYABLE ONLY to you (The Winner).

Please find below an authorized signature which has been signed by
the FBI Director- Robert Mueller, also below is the FBI NSB
(National Security

FBI Director
Robert Mueller.

And here's my response. I am nothing if not a patriot:

My dear Agent Edward~

Judging by the fact that you are using a Russian email service provider, I can only assume that you are on special assignment from the FBI to spy on the Russians, making sure those godless communists don't try to withhold the prize money from unsuspecting citizens (Quite unsuspecting, as the rooskies appear to have wiped my memory of all recollection of even entering a lottery!) like myself.

Fortunately, the reds didn't remove all my memories of their wasteland of a country. I did visit Russia awhile ago, following up on what turned out to be fallacious claims of "Соме Еиjоу Яцssiап Тгорiсал Рагadisе iп Моsсош! Бгаiишаsнiиg fгее sincпе 1984!" and get away from the xenophobic Right Wing propaganda machine for awhile. I was disappointed, however, that in Moscow the Russians were failing to live in squalor, and in fact seemed to be living well-to-do lives that were based largely around the materialism that Americans embrace, therefore I was unable to film any heartbreaking documentaries while I was there. Perhaps next time I go I'll bring a translator, because apparently the Language of Love isn't quite so universal as I'd hoped. (A hug is a hug no matter where you are! Prime Minister Putin was so uppity!)

Nonetheless, Agent Edward, although I greatly appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule locating the alarming number of Russian nuclear weapons that have "gone missing" to inform me that I have won 800,000 USD, I'm afraid I must decline, because if I were to accept this prize money, I would make more than $250,000 this year, which of course would put me in the caste of Republican elitist swines who-- if I keep my fingers crossed-- will be burned at the stake within an election cycle. And although I would cheerfully submit $200 to support unknown foreign powers, I believe that's what the taxes from said Republicans are meant to do.

I think it would be more appropriate if I were to persuade you to use tax dollars to pay the transaction fee, and then sort of randomly distribute the winnings among Americans, or let Obama use it to give puppies to orphans or something. I shall be calling your Nigerian phone number in the near future to work out the details.

Yours,
Jonny America

Welcome to the Party, Sen. Specter!

History often pivots on men who are willing to stand by their convictions, to sacrifice for their beliefs, and put the higher cause ahead of their own needs.

For that reason, I think we as a country should congratulate Republicrat Senator Arlen Specter for his brave decision to do just that. In this case, of course, the beliefs he is standing up for are "I think I should keep being a senator." Specter doesn't believe that his Republican constituents should be the ones to pass judgment on his record, especially because said constituents seem to prefer Congressman Pat Toomey.

I'm a big fan of this approach. Do whatever it takes to get into office, and then hold onto that position, even if it means making petty mistakes like "abandoning your morals" or "spitting in the faces of those who voted for you", because really, if voters knew what was best for America, I'd be president. Since voters have clearly failed to act in their own self interest, it becomes the onus of government officials to tell them what is good for America, and voters just need to vote along party lines, unless they're members of any party except the Democratic Party, in which case I'd much rather they just stayed home and kept thinking about issues until they finally became Democrats.

You're complaining at me now, though, saying, "But Jonny, isn't the whole point of elected leaders to represent what the people want?" Now you're just being stupid. As we have shown repeatedly in the past, people's rights are represented by angry protests and breaking the law. If you want to see real change, you have to act like a jerk in public until you make headlines, like illegally making false bids on land that's being prospected for oil in hopes that maybe the President will pardon you. If you continue acting bizarrely, the "people" will rally behind you and we'll all get angry together. This doesn't often change national policy, but at least we can all get together and have some wild dance parties while we wait for nothing to happen.

What I'm saying is that it's not Arlen Specter's job to actually have opinions and stick to them, nor is it to represent the people who voted for him. It's his job to be a Democrat, and up until recently, he'd been doing a lousy job of that. It doesn't bother me that his first move as a newly-initiated Democrat was to vote against President Obama's budget proposal, because I trust him to vote appropriately on the really important issues, and to show up wearing war paint at our universal health care rallies.

Can we all just feel good about accepting Senator Specter as a Democrat, then? If he ever goes back to the Republicans, we'll know him for the turncoat swine he is, but remember, our party isn't about budget proposals or principles of governance or anything like that, being Democrat is a lifestyle, and if Sen. Specter is willing to party with the Party, then let's welcome him in.

As American as Bread

People are always forgetting that we're a nation of immigrants. We immigrated here, killed the current population and drove them off their land (which is why we're a nation of immigrants, not a nation of natives), and built our new European society here. Justice dictates that people from other countries should now come to America, kill us and drive us (the neo-natives) from our lands, and establish their society. It's only fair.

When we got here, we had come from all different cultures and backgrounds, by which I mean we were both from northern and southern England, and to bridge these inseparable gaps we had to make up some kind of American culture, which is where we get the idea of the "American dream." The American Dream is to get rich and die fat while trampling on those less-fortunate than us. It's not much, but it passed for a culture, and it was good enough to start the Revolutionary War, in which we decided that we'd rather kill British soldiers than pay taxes. After the war, we ran out of British soldiers to kill, so we started paying taxes again.

But not everyone in the world has the same privileges we do. People from other nations wallow is squalid poverty, casting their large brown eyes to heaven and praying to their various gods for the right to vote, the right to choose for themselves whether they want to pay taxes or kill British soldiers. Unfortunately, the United States, having pinky-sworn with their buddy England that they'd stop killing soldiers, invented the Border Control, which walks around in Texas and makes sure we don't have to share our right to avoid paying taxes with Latin Americans.

So this leads to the question: What do those poor, innocent people begging for a shot at the British have to do just to get into our little club?

The answer comes from American culinary history.

The sandwich, invented by the Earl of Sandwich in the 18th century, is an American creation. By American, of course, I mean it was invented by an Englishman in England. (The English were Americans before Americans were!) Mr. of Sandwich was a gambler who wanted to live out his lifelong dream of eating his food while playing cards. He had the ingenious idea of putting his food between two pieces of bread, and thus an American legend was born. In England.

When people talk about "American food," they almost unanimously are referring to hot dogs and hamburgers, though. The hot dog, as you know, was originally called a Frankfurter (or "someone from Frankfurt," I think) because of the cannibalistic eating habits of the Germans. Americans adapted the food, called it the "red hot," while maintaining the cannibalistic integrity of the snack. Soon after its birth, however, the red hot was wrapped in hot dog buns (the origin of the term "hot dog" is interesting, but irrelevant), and another food joined the Pantheon of American foods.

Hamburgers come from Hamburg, New York, a city which had recently been imported from Germany. Some Americans, desperate for more meat product to sell as they worked toward their American Dream, created a beef patty flavored with... well, don't ask. But they created it, and no doubt people looked at their beef patty quite skeptically until the destiny-clad moment in which one of the enterprising businessmen put the abomination between two units of bread.

Noteably, those crispy yellow taco shells are an American innovation as well; proper Mexican tacos are what we'd call soft tacos, because having the food sit on top of the bread product is disorienting, and it frightens Americans. We prefer our foreign threats to be contained--flanked, you could say--by some solid American grain product.

What immigrants need to realize is that Americans are not yet ready to abandon our psychological issues that tell us that bread mitigates the threat of any situation. We must hope that this dangerous knowledge never falls into the hands of bank robbers or swine-flu carriers, of course, because they could strategically use bread to spread chaos and havoc. However, if you find Americans don't like you very much, try just wearing two giant slices of bread. You'll be amazed! Watch as they begin talking to you about baseball and tip their cowboy hats and do all those other things that Americans don't really do!

Welcome to America.