Charities

I don't really support charities, because I think voluntarily giving money to organizations for the benefit of people you don't know and will likely never meet is no way to achieve results. I mean, if these charitable foundations are really making such a difference, where do they keep finding kids to put on their TV spots? Exactly. They don't do anything.

That's why I support the philosophy of imposing charitable donations on Americans through their taxes. Why send you money off to a faceless organization working to "feed children in Africa" when you can see the results of your tax dollars? Empty buses, crime-ridden and broken-down government housing, and, of course, government offices with friendly staff, accommodating hours, and rapid service!

Yes, America, competition doesn't work, and altruism doesn't exist. That's why we should proudly raise our taxes and be forced to do our part. I'm going to go stand in line for a driver's license, so I won't be answering any emails until at least Friday.