It's my choice; it doesn't affect anyone else. I don't see why all the haters are coming after me for it. I mean, this is America, right? It's a free country, more or less, and I should be allowed to follow my heart.
But no, it's not "traditional", so all these psychotic conservatives just have to get up in my face about it.
I am talking, of course, about painting my entire body blue with watercolor paints and then slapping myself against cars as they look for parking spots in the movie theater's lot.
It's watercolor, people! It comes right off! I view this as an extension of my freedom of speech. It's not like my blue-body car-slapping (BBCS) interferes with your ability to enjoy the movie! I'll even mop off your cars while you're watching Hugh Jackman kill everyone and everything, if that makes you feel better.
Besides, I read somewhere that 68% of American movies are terrible, so really you should be thanking me for adding a new depth to the movie-going experience!
I am what I am. So quit hating and just leave me alone.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I won the Russian lottery! Or possibly Nigerian
Good news, America! I just got an email informing me of an impending pay raise from my $0 yearly as a blogger! It came with an authentic typewritten signature from Robert Mueller, director of the FBI, so I know it's legitimate. This will give me the opportunity I crave to use my newfound money to build up the world's infrastructure.
The text of the email follows, and then I have included the email which I have actually sent in response to the address indicated.
And here's my response. I am nothing if not a patriot:
My dear Agent Edward~
Judging by the fact that you are using a Russian email service provider, I can only assume that you are on special assignment from the FBI to spy on the Russians, making sure those godless communists don't try to withhold the prize money from unsuspecting citizens (Quite unsuspecting, as the rooskies appear to have wiped my memory of all recollection of even entering a lottery!) like myself.
Fortunately, the reds didn't remove all my memories of their wasteland of a country. I did visit Russia awhile ago, following up on what turned out to be fallacious claims of "Соме Еиjоу Яцssiап Тгорiсал Рагadisе iп Моsсош! Бгаiишаsнiиg fгее sincпе 1984!" and get away from the xenophobic Right Wing propaganda machine for awhile. I was disappointed, however, that in Moscow the Russians were failing to live in squalor, and in fact seemed to be living well-to-do lives that were based largely around the materialism that Americans embrace, therefore I was unable to film any heartbreaking documentaries while I was there. Perhaps next time I go I'll bring a translator, because apparently the Language of Love isn't quite so universal as I'd hoped. (A hug is a hug no matter where you are! Prime Minister Putin was so uppity!)
Nonetheless, Agent Edward, although I greatly appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule locating the alarming number of Russian nuclear weapons that have "gone missing" to inform me that I have won 800,000 USD, I'm afraid I must decline, because if I were to accept this prize money, I would make more than $250,000 this year, which of course would put me in the caste of Republican elitist swines who-- if I keep my fingers crossed-- will be burned at the stake within an election cycle. And although I would cheerfully submit $200 to support unknown foreign powers, I believe that's what the taxes from said Republicans are meant to do.
I think it would be more appropriate if I were to persuade you to use tax dollars to pay the transaction fee, and then sort of randomly distribute the winnings among Americans, or let Obama use it to give puppies to orphans or something. I shall be calling your Nigerian phone number in the near future to work out the details.
Yours,
Jonny America
The text of the email follows, and then I have included the email which I have actually sent in response to the address indicated.
ATTN: BENEFICIARY
This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and
we have thoroughly completed an Investigation with the help of our
Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you legally won the
sum of $800,000.00 USD from a Lottery Company outside the United
States of America. During our investigation we discovered that your
e-mail won the money from an Online Balloting System and we have
authorized this winning to be paid to you via a Certified Cashier's
Check.
Normally, it will take up to 10 business days for an International
Check to be cashed by your local bank. We have successfully
notified this company on your behalf that funds are to be drawn
from a registered bank within the United States Of America so as to
enable you cash the check instantly without any delay, henceforth
the stated amount of $800,000.00 USD has been deposited with Bank
Of America.
We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to
receive the winning prize as we have verified the entire transaction
to be Safe and 100% risk free, due to the fact that the funds have
been deposited at Bank Of America you will be required to settle the
following bills directly to the Lottery Agent in-charge of this
transaction whom is located in Lagos, Nigeria. According to our
discoveries, you were required to pay for the following -
(1) Deposit Fee's ( Fee's paid by the company for the deposit into an
American Bank which is - Bank Of America )
(2) Cashier's Check Conversion Fee ( Fee for converting the Wire
Transfer payment into a Certified Cashier's Check )
The total amount for everything is $200.00 (Two Hundred-US Dollars).
We have tried our possible best to indicate that this $200.00 should
be deducted from your winning prize but we found out that the funds
have already been deposited at Bank Of America and cannot be accessed
by anyone apart from you the winner, therefore you will be required
to pay the required fee's to the Agent in-charge of this transaction
via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram.
In order to proceed with this transaction, you will be required to
contact the agent in-charge (paul smith ) via e-mail. Kindly look
below to find appropriate contact information:
CONTACT AGENT NAME: MR. BENSON EDWARD
E-MAIL ADDRESS: bensonedwarddept@gala.net
Telephone Number : +234-7085521647
You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:
FULL NAME:
ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
ZIP CODE:
DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:
You will also be required to request Western Union details on how
to send the required $200.00 in order to immediately ship your
prize of $800,000.00 USD via Certified Cashier's Check drawn from
Bank Of America, also include the following transaction code in
order for him to immediately identify this transaction : EA2948-910.
This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of
Investigation is authorizing you to pay the required $200.00 ONLY
to Mr. Benson Edward via information in which he shall send to you,
if you do not receive your winning prize of $800,000.00 we shall be
held responsible for the loss and this shall invite a penalty of
$3,000 which will be made PAYABLE ONLY to you (The Winner).
Please find below an authorized signature which has been signed by
the FBI Director- Robert Mueller, also below is the FBI NSB
(National Security
FBI Director
Robert Mueller.
And here's my response. I am nothing if not a patriot:
My dear Agent Edward~
Judging by the fact that you are using a Russian email service provider, I can only assume that you are on special assignment from the FBI to spy on the Russians, making sure those godless communists don't try to withhold the prize money from unsuspecting citizens (Quite unsuspecting, as the rooskies appear to have wiped my memory of all recollection of even entering a lottery!) like myself.
Fortunately, the reds didn't remove all my memories of their wasteland of a country. I did visit Russia awhile ago, following up on what turned out to be fallacious claims of "Соме Еиjоу Яцssiап Тгорiсал Рагadisе iп Моsсош! Бгаiишаsнiиg fгее sincпе 1984!" and get away from the xenophobic Right Wing propaganda machine for awhile. I was disappointed, however, that in Moscow the Russians were failing to live in squalor, and in fact seemed to be living well-to-do lives that were based largely around the materialism that Americans embrace, therefore I was unable to film any heartbreaking documentaries while I was there. Perhaps next time I go I'll bring a translator, because apparently the Language of Love isn't quite so universal as I'd hoped. (A hug is a hug no matter where you are! Prime Minister Putin was so uppity!)
Nonetheless, Agent Edward, although I greatly appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule locating the alarming number of Russian nuclear weapons that have "gone missing" to inform me that I have won 800,000 USD, I'm afraid I must decline, because if I were to accept this prize money, I would make more than $250,000 this year, which of course would put me in the caste of Republican elitist swines who-- if I keep my fingers crossed-- will be burned at the stake within an election cycle. And although I would cheerfully submit $200 to support unknown foreign powers, I believe that's what the taxes from said Republicans are meant to do.
I think it would be more appropriate if I were to persuade you to use tax dollars to pay the transaction fee, and then sort of randomly distribute the winnings among Americans, or let Obama use it to give puppies to orphans or something. I shall be calling your Nigerian phone number in the near future to work out the details.
Yours,
Jonny America
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Welcome to the Party, Sen. Specter!
History often pivots on men who are willing to stand by their convictions, to sacrifice for their beliefs, and put the higher cause ahead of their own needs.
For that reason, I think we as a country should congratulate Republicrat Senator Arlen Specter for his brave decision to do just that. In this case, of course, the beliefs he is standing up for are "I think I should keep being a senator." Specter doesn't believe that his Republican constituents should be the ones to pass judgment on his record, especially because said constituents seem to prefer Congressman Pat Toomey.
I'm a big fan of this approach. Do whatever it takes to get into office, and then hold onto that position, even if it means making petty mistakes like "abandoning your morals" or "spitting in the faces of those who voted for you", because really, if voters knew what was best for America, I'd be president. Since voters have clearly failed to act in their own self interest, it becomes the onus of government officials to tell them what is good for America, and voters just need to vote along party lines, unless they're members of any party except the Democratic Party, in which case I'd much rather they just stayed home and kept thinking about issues until they finally became Democrats.
You're complaining at me now, though, saying, "But Jonny, isn't the whole point of elected leaders to represent what the people want?" Now you're just being stupid. As we have shown repeatedly in the past, people's rights are represented by angry protests and breaking the law. If you want to see real change, you have to act like a jerk in public until you make headlines, like illegally making false bids on land that's being prospected for oil in hopes that maybe the President will pardon you. If you continue acting bizarrely, the "people" will rally behind you and we'll all get angry together. This doesn't often change national policy, but at least we can all get together and have some wild dance parties while we wait for nothing to happen.
What I'm saying is that it's not Arlen Specter's job to actually have opinions and stick to them, nor is it to represent the people who voted for him. It's his job to be a Democrat, and up until recently, he'd been doing a lousy job of that. It doesn't bother me that his first move as a newly-initiated Democrat was to vote against President Obama's budget proposal, because I trust him to vote appropriately on the really important issues, and to show up wearing war paint at our universal health care rallies.
Can we all just feel good about accepting Senator Specter as a Democrat, then? If he ever goes back to the Republicans, we'll know him for the turncoat swine he is, but remember, our party isn't about budget proposals or principles of governance or anything like that, being Democrat is a lifestyle, and if Sen. Specter is willing to party with the Party, then let's welcome him in.
For that reason, I think we as a country should congratulate Republicrat Senator Arlen Specter for his brave decision to do just that. In this case, of course, the beliefs he is standing up for are "I think I should keep being a senator." Specter doesn't believe that his Republican constituents should be the ones to pass judgment on his record, especially because said constituents seem to prefer Congressman Pat Toomey.
I'm a big fan of this approach. Do whatever it takes to get into office, and then hold onto that position, even if it means making petty mistakes like "abandoning your morals" or "spitting in the faces of those who voted for you", because really, if voters knew what was best for America, I'd be president. Since voters have clearly failed to act in their own self interest, it becomes the onus of government officials to tell them what is good for America, and voters just need to vote along party lines, unless they're members of any party except the Democratic Party, in which case I'd much rather they just stayed home and kept thinking about issues until they finally became Democrats.
You're complaining at me now, though, saying, "But Jonny, isn't the whole point of elected leaders to represent what the people want?" Now you're just being stupid. As we have shown repeatedly in the past, people's rights are represented by angry protests and breaking the law. If you want to see real change, you have to act like a jerk in public until you make headlines, like illegally making false bids on land that's being prospected for oil in hopes that maybe the President will pardon you. If you continue acting bizarrely, the "people" will rally behind you and we'll all get angry together. This doesn't often change national policy, but at least we can all get together and have some wild dance parties while we wait for nothing to happen.
What I'm saying is that it's not Arlen Specter's job to actually have opinions and stick to them, nor is it to represent the people who voted for him. It's his job to be a Democrat, and up until recently, he'd been doing a lousy job of that. It doesn't bother me that his first move as a newly-initiated Democrat was to vote against President Obama's budget proposal, because I trust him to vote appropriately on the really important issues, and to show up wearing war paint at our universal health care rallies.
Can we all just feel good about accepting Senator Specter as a Democrat, then? If he ever goes back to the Republicans, we'll know him for the turncoat swine he is, but remember, our party isn't about budget proposals or principles of governance or anything like that, being Democrat is a lifestyle, and if Sen. Specter is willing to party with the Party, then let's welcome him in.
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