I won the Russian lottery! Or possibly Nigerian

Good news, America! I just got an email informing me of an impending pay raise from my $0 yearly as a blogger! It came with an authentic typewritten signature from Robert Mueller, director of the FBI, so I know it's legitimate. This will give me the opportunity I crave to use my newfound money to build up the world's infrastructure.

The text of the email follows, and then I have included the email which I have actually sent in response to the address indicated.

ATTN: BENEFICIARY

This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and
we have thoroughly completed an Investigation with the help of our
Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you legally won the
sum of $800,000.00 USD from a Lottery Company outside the United
States of America. During our investigation we discovered that your
 e-mail won the money from an Online Balloting System and we have
authorized this winning to be paid to you via a Certified Cashier's
Check.

Normally, it will take up to 10 business days for an International
Check to be cashed by your local bank. We have successfully
notified this company on your behalf that funds are to be drawn
from a registered bank within the United States Of America so as to
enable you cash the check instantly without any delay, henceforth
the stated amount of $800,000.00 USD has been deposited with Bank
Of America.

We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to
receive the winning prize as we have verified the entire transaction
to be Safe and 100% risk free, due to the fact that the funds have
been deposited at Bank Of America you will be required to settle the
following bills directly to the Lottery Agent in-charge of this
transaction whom is located in Lagos, Nigeria. According to our
discoveries, you were required to pay for the following -

(1) Deposit Fee's ( Fee's paid by the company for the deposit into an
American Bank which is - Bank Of America )
(2) Cashier's Check Conversion Fee ( Fee for converting the Wire
Transfer payment into a Certified Cashier's Check )

The total amount for everything is $200.00 (Two Hundred-US Dollars).
We have tried our possible best to indicate that this $200.00 should
be deducted from your winning prize but we found out that the funds
have already been deposited at Bank Of America and cannot be accessed
by anyone apart from you the winner, therefore you will be required
to pay the required fee's to the Agent in-charge of this transaction
via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram.

In order to proceed with this transaction, you will be required to
contact the agent in-charge (paul smith ) via e-mail. Kindly look
below to find appropriate contact information:

CONTACT AGENT NAME: MR. BENSON EDWARD

E-MAIL ADDRESS:   bensonedwarddept@gala.net 
Telephone Number : +234-7085521647

You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:

FULL NAME:

ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
ZIP CODE:
DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:

You will also be required to request Western Union details on how
to send the required $200.00 in order to immediately ship your
prize of $800,000.00 USD via Certified Cashier's Check drawn from
Bank Of America, also include the following transaction code in
order for him to immediately identify this transaction : EA2948-910.


This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of
Investigation is authorizing you to pay the required $200.00 ONLY
to Mr. Benson Edward via information in which he shall send to you,
if you do not receive your winning prize of $800,000.00 we shall be
held responsible for the loss and this shall invite a penalty of
$3,000 which will be made PAYABLE ONLY to you (The Winner).

Please find below an authorized signature which has been signed by
the FBI Director- Robert Mueller, also below is the FBI NSB
(National Security

FBI Director
Robert Mueller.

And here's my response. I am nothing if not a patriot:

My dear Agent Edward~

Judging by the fact that you are using a Russian email service provider, I can only assume that you are on special assignment from the FBI to spy on the Russians, making sure those godless communists don't try to withhold the prize money from unsuspecting citizens (Quite unsuspecting, as the rooskies appear to have wiped my memory of all recollection of even entering a lottery!) like myself.

Fortunately, the reds didn't remove all my memories of their wasteland of a country. I did visit Russia awhile ago, following up on what turned out to be fallacious claims of "Соме Еиjоу Яцssiап Тгорiсал Рагadisе iп Моsсош! Бгаiишаsнiиg fгее sincпе 1984!" and get away from the xenophobic Right Wing propaganda machine for awhile. I was disappointed, however, that in Moscow the Russians were failing to live in squalor, and in fact seemed to be living well-to-do lives that were based largely around the materialism that Americans embrace, therefore I was unable to film any heartbreaking documentaries while I was there. Perhaps next time I go I'll bring a translator, because apparently the Language of Love isn't quite so universal as I'd hoped. (A hug is a hug no matter where you are! Prime Minister Putin was so uppity!)

Nonetheless, Agent Edward, although I greatly appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule locating the alarming number of Russian nuclear weapons that have "gone missing" to inform me that I have won 800,000 USD, I'm afraid I must decline, because if I were to accept this prize money, I would make more than $250,000 this year, which of course would put me in the caste of Republican elitist swines who-- if I keep my fingers crossed-- will be burned at the stake within an election cycle. And although I would cheerfully submit $200 to support unknown foreign powers, I believe that's what the taxes from said Republicans are meant to do.

I think it would be more appropriate if I were to persuade you to use tax dollars to pay the transaction fee, and then sort of randomly distribute the winnings among Americans, or let Obama use it to give puppies to orphans or something. I shall be calling your Nigerian phone number in the near future to work out the details.

Yours,
Jonny America